There are certain remarkable moments that remind us that professional athletes are a different breed of human beings than all the Daves in accounting. Things like Vince Carter sticking his entire arm inside a rim, Marshawn Lynch running over the entire New Orleans Saints defense, and Bo Jackson scaling an entire wall after making an incredible catch. There are also some nice reminders that athletes can be just like us too, such as Tom Brady looking like this at the NFL combine, LeBron James loving the Godfather, and Dwight Howard eating 24 candy bars a day.
You mean to tell me a guy who looks like he was sculpted by fucking Michaelangelo himself, eats 24 candy bars a day?
My god, 960 grams of sugar, I’m not even mad, I’m amazed! I am also a little jealous because I have cut all candy/soda/desserts from my diet and leave all my frivolous calories to Michelob Ultras (95 calories and 2.6g of carbs, come on) and ever looking like that is simply an alternate reality. When Dwight Howard was a part of the Lakers in January of 2013, yes that happened in this reality, he complained of tingling in his hands and legs to team nutritionist Dr. Cate Shanahan. She believed he was suffering from a nerve dysfunction called dysesthesia, which can be a precursor to diabetes.
Well, you don’t say! I lack an M.D. and frankly any medical knowledge besides the horror stories my medical scribe friend shares with me from the ER (I learned what a prolapsed anus was, don’t look it up), but no shit Sherlock. I could have fucking told you that many candy bars would punch your golden ticket to the Diabetes Factory. The workout regiments of the NBA was probably his only saving grace from already becoming the Willy Wonka of the company. He didn’t discriminate between different types of candy either, he was the Gandhi of bringing all sweets together. According to Shanahan in this ESPN article: “You name it, he ate it,” she says. “Skittles, Starbursts, Rolos, Snickers, Mars bars, Twizzlers, Almond Joys, Kit Kats and oh, how he loved Reese’s Pieces.” You wouldn’t even be able to bring this guy to your Grandma’s house because he would steal all her mysterious hard candy from the coffee table. A true revolutionist of the candysphere.
Shanahan was able to help Howard kick a lot of the junky sugar to the curb. Howard only requested that PB&J’s remain in his diet, which has developed into a weird NBA phenomenon of it own. So Shanahan crafted him a PB&J consisting of soft sourdough, organic peanut butter and low-sugar jelly, which sounds so fucking disgusting that I would of quit sugar all together. This must have been an arduous habit to kick, almost as hard as Tryone Biggums renouncing crack, so I commend you Dwight.
This sounds like a fairy-tale ending, so how did it all turn out for Superman? Well Kobe ran him out of town like he did with Shaq, except Dwight had none of the Shaq-type production and all of his drama. He then joined forces with Harden and the Rockets for 3 years, but the town wasn’t big enough for two cowboys in Houston. He is now in Atlanta where he’s got Dennis Schroeder cursing him out in German, that has to be terrifying. He has become a shell of his former completely dominant self, let us not forget that he literally carried that 2009 Magic team to the NBA Finals. He seems content riding off into the twilight of NBA forgotten stars in his hometown of Atlanta.
There is one guy who thinks you can emerge from the forgotten depths of irrelevancy and that’s me Dwight. I have the solution to bring you back to Superman. GET BACK ON THE SUGAR MAN, START SNORTING PIXIE STICKS BEFORE GAMES, EAT ALL THE CANDY YOU WANT, GO AUGUSTUS GLOOP ALL OVER EVERYONE’S ASSES. That sugar must have had you so fucking amped all the time, get that edge back. Dwight you need the sugar as much as Mars Incorporated’s operating margin needs you. Send me a LinkedIn DM if you have more questions, good luck man.